The most painful hour of my life

Posted: December 24, 2016 in Uncategorized

pai_mei_slider2It’s stressful when your life consists of either being slumped at a desk, or having a dependent life form, armed with a sabre tooth, continually attacking you.

So, I thought now it’s Xmas I would try and unwind with a relaxing massage. I booked an hour appointment thinking I would probably drift off into a pleasant snooze at the midway point, waking feeling refreshed and revitalised. How wrong was I… Turns out my masseuse is actually a merciless torture merchant. 

He started by asking me if I would like it “Hard” or “Medium” – being male and an idiot, I asked for hard. “Let me know if it is too hard” he said.  Over the next hour, this seemingly pleasant Thai man beat the living shit out of me.

He started on my back, with his knees. Then, just when I thought I’d developed a tolerance to this, he started with his elbows. “That’s a little hard”, I said. “Oh, it is much better when it’s hard”, he replied. Fuck, the safe word was all a lie – I was stuck.

Ignoring my grunts of “fuck” and the fact that I was gripping the side of the table with both hands, he continued to smash my back in for a good 30 minutes. If I’d have known what he was going to do my neck, I would have implored him to continue. I can only assume that he brought in a bald eagle, told it I had stolen his young and let it loose on my neck, as no man could possibly grip my neck with such ferocity. 

Then on the half way mark, for no reason whatsoever, he decided to pull my boxers down to expose my bare bottom. I can only assume he did this to add to my humiliation.

To my huge relief, he moved from my neck to my legs. Surely, he couldn’t inflict that much pain down there?! I was wrong. Such was the pain, that I became convinced that I must be being filmed for some hidden camera show, “Surprise!” they would shout and reveal that a king fu master had actually been battering me for 40 minutes. “Hilarious!” But no, there would be no rescue.

By the time, he had finished on my legs, I felt like Reek from Game of Thrones and nearly started weeping when he let go of my left leg and walked out the room. It’s over, thank god. But it wasn’t, he reemerged instructing me onto my front.

On my front, he spent 5 minutes trying to remove my heart with his bare hands like some sadistic kill bill fuck. Pissed off with his failure, he then started punching me in the back. Then it finally was over. I had survived.

Before leaving, my new master asked “How was it?”.  A million things ran through my mind. “Torturous and barbaric”, I wanted to say. But I’m British so I said “Wonderful, thanks, see you again soon!”. Then I left, a free man, vowing never again to flinch when my infant son sticks his sabre tooth in my eye. 



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