“Excuse me, is this pub reserved?…”

Posted: April 5, 2012 in Uncategorized


There’s a very dangerous protocol that’s been gathering momentum over the last few years in London’s pubs.  It’s impact has been disastrous for the common man who likes to sit down and enjoy a pint.  Yes, I’m talking about reserved table signs in pubs.  Seeing one on a pub table feels like you’ve been told “you can sit here for a bit you scumbag, but someone much more important is on their way… don’t get comfortable.”  This annoying trend started with cocktail bars (which was piss annoying) but now it’s infiltrated our local pubs! It’s time we took action!

Let me give you an example of how we can stand up against these reserving swines and the pubs that allow them to get way with it.  Last night, I went out for dinner and secured a nice spot in my local pub  by the window.  I had a couple of pints, dinner and was just about to get dessert and a bottle of wine when the waiter craftily stuck a reserved sign on my table: “Reserved for Dwayne and friends 8.00pm, feel free to use this table until then.”  The time was 7.45pm.  The waiter had basically decided it was time for me to leave – Dwayne and his friends were on their way.   The most annoying thing was that the pub wasn’t even half full and the table wasn’t reserved when I sat down.  I decided to fight back…

Me: “why have you just stuck a reserved sign on my table?”

14 year old barman: “because someone has just reserved it for 8.”

Me: “why didn’t you tell them that the table isn’t free.”

14 year barman: “why did you reserve it?”

Me: “I reserved it when I sat down at it an hour ago.”

14 year old: “oh right,well, they asked for that table.”

Me: “right… so, I’m sat in the pub and some guy walks in and says “sorry mate I’d like to sit at your table, do you mind moving?” Have a guess what my response would be…”

[14 year old barman looks perplexed]

Me: That’s right I’d tell him to f**k off and sit somewhere else.

At this point the 14 year old took the reserved sign and put it on another table and I enjoyed the rest of my evening by the window.  So, we can fight back!  I’m taking my argument to the streets and to every landlord who has started taking reservations.  Here’s the thing – people who reserve tables in pubs are boring squares.  Anyone who thinks “hmm… I’d quite like a drink next week… better book a table!” is likely to sit there with a small glass of wine accompanied by an endless supply of free tap water.  They’re not the spontaneous fun types.  They don’t run up big bills.  They’ve got a budget for their 2 units of alcohol a week.  Therefore, landlords are damaging their profits by allowing these planning freaks to oust their fun, convivial locals.

From now on I’m going to carry a portable shredder and destroy any reserved signs I see in pubs…. Dwayne and his friends can reserve a table in pizza hut instead.


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