London gyms: like a mad, fucking fitness rave

Posted: February 21, 2012 in Uncategorized

  

I have a confession to make…. I haven’t been to the gym in 6 months.  I don’t feel guilty.  I’m not fat – I still look like Maximus and Leonaidas’ love child (I’m very deluded).  Also, I’m not wasting money – my LA fitness membership is free.  But why don’t I go?  I mean it’s free and gyms are good right? They’re relaxing, serene, funky places where the good-looking elite rub shoulders and high five! They’re places where you can just stroll in, grab a sauna and treat yourself to a nice organic rhubarb, beetroot and goat’s piss smoothie.  Err not exactly.  That’s what gyms in the country are like.  Here’s what my gym experience is like….

The main problem I have with my gym is that at the time I go (after 5), so do 3 thousand other men.  This means that when I’m trying to get changed I have to rub bum cheeks with at least three other men.  That’s not exactly what I signed up for.  When I get into the gym, there’s usually a sea of people in front of me – it looks like a mad, fucking fitness rave.  I hate raves.  Plus, there’s little chance of getting on a running machine or a rowing machine so I usually end up on a mat.  After, 20 minutes of doing roly polys and trying to stand on my head, I usually head into the weights room.  I typically stay in there for about four minutes – not because I’m weak (I’m pretty weak) but because I quickly realise I’m surrounded by maniacal, steroid abusers all grunting and shouting abuse.

After, my ‘workout’ I typically head into the sauna to sit with 6 other men (never, bikini-clad girls) for 10 minutes of painfully awkward silence.  Then, it’s to the shower and back to bum-cheek rubbing in the changing rooms!

On the plus side, I always feel slightly de-stressed after going to the gym… but then probably a bit more stressed than when I entered.  And the truth is, I can do roly polys at home…

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Comments
  1. Bunty Jebari says:

    ‘I have to rub bum cheeks with at least three other men’
    be honest joffers, this is the whole reason you go to the gym.

  2. Bunty Jebari says:

    i am above approval joffbag

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